Why Your Toddler Really Can't Share Yet

My grandson is 21 months old. Last week, at a toddler group, he was told off for not sharing a toy.

My gut reaction was: hang on, does he even have the brain development to share yet? So I went away and did some proper digging, because I genuinely wanted to know. Here's what I found.

The short answer: no, not really

At 21 months, most toddlers simply don't have the brain wiring in place to share. This isn't a discipline issue. It's biology.

Sharing needs a few things working together in the brain: Understanding someone else has feelings too (called "theory of mind") - this doesn't really click until around age 3-4.

Impulse control, the part of the brain that helps us pause before grabbing (the prefrontal cortex) is one of the last bits to develop, and it's nowhere near ready in the toddler years.

A settled sense of "mine"! Toddlers are only just working out that they exist separately from you, so their belongings feel like an extension of themselves.

Put simply: you're asking a toddler to do something their brain hasn't grown the tools for yet.

So what's actually normal?

Grabbing toys back is normal.

Saying "mine!" about everything (including things that aren't theirs) is normal.

Getting genuinely distressed when another child touches "their" toy is normal.

Not offering a toy to another child unprompted is completely normal.

None of this means your toddler is unkind, spoiled, or badly brought up. It means they're a toddler.

What actually helps (instead of "share nicely")

You can still guide them, just gently, and with realistic expectations.

Model it yourself. "Shall we let Grandma have a turn with your car? Thank you!"

They learn far more from watching than from instruction.

Use "your turn, my turn" rather than "sharing." It's more concrete and easier for a toddler brain to grasp.

Have duplicates at groups if you can, two of the same popular toy avoids a lot of tears.

Narrate feelings, don't shame. "I know you don't want to give it up. It's hard when we like something." That's teaching emotional language, which is the real groundwork for sharing later.

Praise the tiny steps. Even glancing at another child and pausing before grabbing is progress at this age.

True, willing sharing tends to develop gradually from around age 3, and even then it wobbles for years. That's normal too.

A word for the grown-ups watching.

If someone tells your toddler off for not sharing, you don't need to apologise on their behalf or feel embarrassed. You can simply say, "He's not quite there developmentally yet, we're working on turn-taking instead." Said warmly, it usually closes the conversation down nicely.

If you're ever worried that your child isn't developing social skills or language at all, even in small ways, that's always worth mentioning to your health visitor at your next check. Not because a 21-month-old struggling to share is a red flag (it isn't), but because they're a great resource for any wider development questions.

Bottom line.

Your toddler isn't being naughty. Their brain is just busy building the wiring for empathy and self-control, and that takes years, not weeks.

Be patient with them and with yourself. You're not raising a bad sharer. You're raising a small human whose brain is doing exactly what it should be doing at this age.

Sending you a big virtual hug if you've had a hard toddler group moment lately. We've all been there.

Eva x

Eva Levinson is a part-time Postnatal Midwifery Assistant & Infant Feeding Specialist for the NHS, a Doula UK trained postnatal doula, and an Ofsted/HSE compliant first aid instructor. She runs And Chillax in Anerley, South London.